What the f…? A stranger in my apartment? I grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer, rushed to the living room and turned on the lights. The man stepped in from the balcony and said something I couldn’t grasp immediately because of his heavy German accent. He came into the light and that’s when I realized he had an uncanny resemblance to Albert Einstein.
“Zis is a fery nice fiew of zee city. It schtimulates zee creatiffe mind,” he said pointing outside with his pipe.
“How did you get in here? Who the hell are you?” I asked holding my knife in menacing fashion.
“I’m terribly zorry. I zought by now efferybody vould recognise me. Allow me to introduce myzelf. I’m Alpert Einstein und I’m here becauze you zummoned me.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I said as the terrifying realization that I had a mentally disturbed person inside my home dawned on me.
“Listen, let’s not make a big issue out of this little incident. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’ll call building security and a good man named Alastair is going to escort you down and make the necessary arrangements with whatever mental institution is currently helping you with your condition.”
“Zure,” he replied, “do vadeffer you feel you must, but I fear you might end up looking like a… vat’s zee vord for it? Oh ja, ‘doofus’.”
Without taking my eyes off the intruder, I pulled out my iPhone and called the security desk downstairs. Alastair answered promptly and, following protocol, proceeded to call the police. In the meantime, the Einstein doppelganger was babbling about some nickname a maid had given him when he was a little kid.
“Did you know zat zee term ‘doofus’ comes from zee German vord ‘doof’ vich, originally meant deaf und vas uzed zen to describe schtupid people becauze in old times zey zought zee deaf vere not intelligent,” he said. “I bet you didn’t know zat ven I vas a little boy one of mein family’s maids referred to me as ‘der depperte’? It meant ‘zee dopey one’. I didn’t find zat funny but almost efferyone elze did, und by looking at zee face you’re making right know I can understand vy. Ray you look like ‘der depperte’. Ray?”
I was frantically trying to make sense of the whole situation in my mind. Everything was so surreal and bizarre that the man’s ramblings sounded more like background noise to me. Until I heard him utter my name…
“How do you know my name?” I asked raising my knife.
“You know Ray, I understand your reaczion perfectly vell. Mein prezence here is inexplicable by your current schtandards. But, zere are two vays to liffe: you can liffe as if nothing is a miracle; or you can liffe as if efferything is a miracle. By zee vay, if you’fe heard zat before it’s becauze zat phraze has been attribuded to me by zome people, but to tell you zee truth, I don’t remember effer zaying zat undil now.”
“How do you know my name?” I asked again.
The conversation was interrupted by a knock on the door.
“Buildin’ security,” said Alastair in his colorful Scottish accent.
I turned my back on the crazy old man to go open the door. Alastair with two police agents entered my apartment and one of the officers asked me what the situation was. I pointed towards the stranger and told them the man had entered my apartment illegally while I was at work. The three of them looked confused and a second later I understood why. When I turned towards the living room the old man wasn’t there. A frantic search of the apartment ensued, but the intruder was nowhere to be found.
“Sir, is there another way in or out of this apartment?” asked one of the policemen.
“Well, in theory, he could have jumped to the balcony of the apartment below us, but that would be a hard number even for a young man. This guy must be well into his sixties and we’re on the 21st floor. I don’t think he could’ve pulled a stunt like that,” I said.
“We’ll check it out anyway,” said the second policeman.
After making sure that the uninvited visitor wasn’t in my apartment, the police left to search the floor below as well as the building’s public areas. Alastair took me through the security procedure that would ensue following the incident. It included, among other things, examining the surveillance tapes to find out when and how the man gained access to my place.
“We’ll get tae th’ bottom ay thes, Mr. Young,” he said. “Hae a guid eening now.”
After everyone left I gave the apartment another thorough inspection and once I was absolutely sure the man was gone I collapsed on the living room couch. I wasn’t even hungry anymore; the whole incident had been very unsettling. I was just starting to doze off when it hit me like a speeding truck: the old man said I had summoned him!
